Forced In An Arranged Marriage
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THE BOND OF LOVE:
Not all marriages are made in heaven. Some are made by ordinary mortals on this very worldly earth….carefully arranged with precision and detail by men playing god. There is nothing heavenly about these unions: they're the outcome of calculated match making by families too entrenched in tradition and culture to heed the protests of their own children….or the quieter voice of reason. It’s a hard tradition, rotting at the core….yet countless young dreams are broken against it’s sharp unrelenting edge. And each time, love stands in the corner… weeping silent tears.
For a western mind, this is an unimaginable concept. Even harder to accept is a culture where family is the ‘last word’ on everything, where most kids live with their parents even as adults; where they rarely if ever, have sex before marriage, and usually marry according to the will and wishes of their parents! They call it an arranged marriage…emotionally blackmailing their children into a match for their ‘own good’…. but what they’re really arranging is a form of legal prostitution. With their blessings... to justify it.
ITS REALITY:
Like a film, the scene plays itself out in endless similar stories:
The girl sits on her wedding bed, with it’s strings of roses, and tries to calm her shivering limbs. The burden of her new life weighs heavier than the gold worked dress she's wearing. The red brocaded silk hugs her soft breasts, gently enhancing every curve in her virginal body.
Her skin still smells of sandalwood and rose water that is ritually applied to brides for a month before the wedding day. Her rich dark hair, braided into a long mane, rests on her delicately rounded hips; intricate henna patterns are drawn all over her palms and feet. Decked up in jewelry and make up, it is easy to mistake her for a woman in her 20s, not the mere child she is at 17!
AN OBJECT:
A thing of beauty she is. Exquisitely put together....for all to admire. Like a tasty dish ready to eat. Or cattle - for that is what she really is, except she's too young to understand. Painted and marked, like an animal put up for auction at the local fare. With a price on her head. And a dowry to go : Virgin, young, educated….and in between the lines: two legs under her that won’t bolt if whipped into obedience. Available for fucking, cooking, cleaning when and as you please. A solid uterus good for child bearing, hopefully sons!
HOW IT HAPPENS:
In a country, where women living independently is unheard of, she is yet another girl forced into marriage to ‘absolve’ her parents of their responsibility. Twelve years her senior, her husband to be, comes from a superior, richer family, and is thus an ‘ideal’ match for a middle class girl like her. Other girls from well off families and better looking than her, have more options, but she has no such luck, and hence, no reason to complain either!
She’s been 'allowed' to talk to this man briefly only, a few weeks before the elaborate wedding festivities began, and that too from a distance crowded with a sea of curious relatives. The whole ‘match’ is done through elders in the family, often over gifts, dowry offers, and a thorough scrutiny of the girl's credentials, after which the marriage documents are brought for her to sign. No one heeds the sobs breaking through her body; no one really cares: A minor hitch in the smooth bargain….!
CONSUMMATION:
Like a hunted animal cornered after a chase...ready for the ‘kill’… she knows there is no escape for her. And obediently, she resigns. A few awkward fumblings, and her husband’s body is on top of hers forcing into her dry unwelcoming insides. Their eyes meet and it’s as flat and dull a moment as any between two strangers with nothing in common.
He is himself miles away, dreaming of the sexy women he watches secretly on porn sites at night. He jerks harder into her, and hears her whimpering and silently biting her lip. He feels as disconnected with it as she with him, and has no desire to waste time with kisses or tenderness. He anyway never wanted to marry her, but is just fulfilling his ‘duty’ as a good son. Besides, a lush virgin has been presented to him on a plate... he might as well make the most of his rights!
DOWN THE LANE:
Years later, with a couple of children down the road, an affection of ‘compromise’ and convenience will grow between them. Never having intimately known another partner, nor given a chance to, it’s the Asian counterpart of love. If she tries hard enough, he might even turn into the man of her dreams one day - and she the girl of his.
Countless marriages carry on in this dull monotonous way. Like a habit difficult to acquire initially, but slowly amounting to marital bliss. Almost like animals getting used to their cages....slowly developing a fondness for it. While prior sexual inexperience helps to cement the bond perfectly!
Meanwhile, complacent parents smile at each other over sweet meats and dowry settlements, appreciating the wisdom of their decision. After all, where would love be without some control and direction? Yes, another successful match…like a medal around their necks. And a noose in that of love’s....
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A well written hub, many of us in the West do not have the foggiest idea of this culture.
I've known people that are in those marriages, and both of them are miserible. I can't understand why that is still being done. I mean is the dowery really that good? Is it really worth selling off your flesh and blood for?
Great job as usual.
Your writing radiates such powerful emotions, myownworld. I cannot decipher just how personal this hub is to you, as I must place a barrier between such assumptions. In any case, you really touched on this piece perfectly. I hope this person finds the happiness she deserves and finds hope when seemingly there is none. You did an excellent job in writing this. Thank you for sharing this.
A superbly written story and you help the reader to feel and understand the bride’s anger, fear and frustration over her pre-arranged marriage. I would venture to say that very few of these individuals end up really loving each other. How tragic for both...
I love the way you get right to the truth and share subjects that few dare to speak. As I said before I hope you are working on a book, for you are such a gifted writer! Thank you again for being a fan and I am honored to be one of your fans. I hope besides being a fan I also consider you a friend who has remarkable courage to target the tough subjects! My blessing to you!
Hummingbird, thank you for that insightful comment! yes, no one should be forced into something like this...and let's hope the younger generation has the courage to break this oppressive tradition. I really am waiting for a quiet moment to read your hubs....hopefully soon!
Putz, cheers for stopping by and reading! I know it's an alien culture for the west, but is a very common practice in many asian countries as well as the middle east. Frightening, isn't it?
Blood, I can feel your frustration even sitting here.....this is what I love about you...that u care so much, it almost angers you to see why certain ridiculous practices are allowed to exist in this modern day and age...but they are darling...and there isn't much sense people like you and me can make of them, except perhaps write about it! xx
Dohn....your comments are without fail such a treat to read...(just like your hubs!)...and I marvel at how you manage to say something special to everyone with each word you post here. It's such a gift you have! Mercifully, the present generation is more liberated...and are trying to break free from such marriages. (I'm somewhere in the middle!); sending u much love!
Nancy...loved your comment! ah...a woman can understand so well what that bride must go through...! yes, tragic is the word for it. take care and thanks ever so much for feeling with me...
Last, but not least, Highvoltage..thank you for that wonderful comment! you will always be my friend...and I always look forward to reading your great hubs too! smiling your way...
Another emotive subject for you to slice wide open with your literary scalpel - and the operation was a great success. Great stuff - again!
hi myownworld!
I understand exactly what you are talking about. I have a couple of Indian friends,and though they're males, they have sisters that had to go through all that.
cheers !
We westerner's have had this happen to us but for the most part we marry for love. For me it is easy to judge what I do not know so I'll not say what I think of the matter and just state that you wrote this piece beautifully. This is the reason I am your fan. Your writing can instantly mesmerize me and always does.
thank you Sanny, Tantrum and Wesley for reading...and the great comments! 3 great writers....each special in his own unique way....so how can I not smile to be read by you all! yes, arranged marriages are a sick tradition....and all words fail to capture the real misery it's wrought! but thank you for understanding!
And as usual I can't finish reading your hub in class.It really wouldn't do for the kids to see teacher crying. Great stuff again.
myownworld living in western culture my whole life I just find this to be really sad. I guess part of it for me is a young girl is robbed not only of her life, but any dreams she may have had for herself .I have been aware of the arranged marriages that happen in other countries . To me it steals these young girls spirits .And when you rob someone of their spirit you have in essence killed them !
I also find it sad that a parent would use their daughter in what to me strikes of a barter . I could never get used to the Idea of a child being seen as a commodity ! Another engrossing read from you . Great job my friend .
cally2..i bet the students already know what a softhearted sensitive soul u hide under that charming smile of yours! thank you for always feeling with me...x
tony, I know..I admire and have learnt so much from western societies, and one thing is the amazing sense of freedom one has here, esp. to question and live your life the way you want to! (the biggest flaw is, people just take too much for granted though!). anyway, thank you my friend for always understanding....! x
Great Hub! Unfortunately old traditions are slow to change. Well written and emotionally moving. Great work.
thank you Tn for reading and the great comment. will soon find time to check some of yours too! cheers
Another great one. You hear about arranged marriages but it never really sinks in. Like you said, the only hope they have is that as time passes, love grows. The amount of helplessness felt must be mind numbing.
Thank you for sharing this. Very well written. I've heard this or that about arranged marriages all of my life, but not quite in this comprehensive detail. In the West there are some marriages that are a little similar. I emphasize 'little' because for the most part it is like night and day. Many people over here often succumb to pressure not to marry outside of their class. Wealthy parents often scorn their own children for becoming engaged or even involved with someone from a considerably less wealthy family. Obviously not nearly the same as what you describe, but I thought I'd share it with you. Hopefully for the sake of generations to come, such traditions will be shattered.
Hi my dear Myownworld, I was really touched by your writing. Excellent hub. Its so sad that arranged marriage still exist. Thank you for sharing. See you soon my dear friend.:) God Bless you.
Good hub. I'm glad we don't have these arranged marriages here.
I've seen movies with scenes of arranged marriages and as difficult to comprehend never really questioned the emotions running through a brides mind. Thanks for shedding some light and sharing the culture. Beautifully written.
This is a great hub myownworld. It used to be the norm here (like in the 18th century, I think). Nowadays, well, some groups still practice arranged marriages in my country and I can't really imagine what kind of life do they have. If they stay together, the elders will say that 'look, arranged marriages work, look at them'. If it doesn't, I pity the second family for there will always be some bitterness over the separation and the fact that there's a second family in their midst.
Just want to play a devil's advocate a little bit. For the people where arranged marriages are part of the culture, they think this is a good way for them. I'm not talking about older generations, I'm talking about mine. I used to have a chat-friend, an Indian, whose marriage was arranged. He and the girl are very 'happy' despite the fact that he only has 'affection' for her. I know you know that this can be a fact. And it's another side of the coin that we have to consider, that the people belonging to these cultures actually accept this arrangement and will continue to believe in it and even practice it. Thanks for the hub.
HT...my darling friend...thank you and a warm hug for you!
Jonathan, thank you for the insightful comment. yes, I know what you mean...i actually think south asian countries are very similar to 18th C england...and that the west had it's own version of arranged marriages too, except they've broken away from the this tradition ages ago. hopefully, asia will liberate itself from these 'dark' practices soon! cheers!
Kiera, Paradise and Bail...thank you for reading and the wonderful comments! I'm grateful to you all for taking the time to understand a culture so different from yours...and yet being able to feel with me. much love...
Emievil...ah thank you for that great comment! yes, I agree with what you say, and that is why at the end I stressed how many of these young people end up forcing themselves 'into love'....and actually accepting the reality of their lives as the best possible one. Infact, the reason why many of these marriages are working IS because these children have been brain washed into believing it's the 'best' possible thing for them! (But for someone living in the west, it is easy to realize the absurdity of the whole thing!)
It might work yes in certain cultures, but there is no denying how wrong this tradition is too. And for every 1 arranged marriage that succeeds, there are ten others that go on in misery! anyway, thank you for understanding my friend and the great input! love x
You put so much heart and soul into your hubs and this one was no exception. Putting myself into that young brides place simply made me shiver. All of your hubs leave such a lasting impression and generate many thoughts on each subject that you tackle with such emotive style. Hopefully the brides and grooms in those cultures that are still practicing the arranged marriages will have freedom of choice in the future.
lovely comment Peggy! All your words always make me smile (whether it's your hubs or simply a post)...I do pour my heart into my writing, but more I actually wake up with words already ingrained in my mind! anyway, yes i know it does make you shudder in horror at what these girls must go through, doesn't it? so lets hope the younger generation breaks free from this horrific tradition (many already are trying); thanks my friend for always finding the time to read and appreciate....love and hugs x
Ya but this is not always the case u have to remember that as well. i bet this is just one sever case where as most people aren't like this
Myownworld, your writing always teaches me in a profound way. Upon finishing this article, I felt a tightness in my chest, a suffocating feeling of someone else's weight crushing the air out of my lungs, an empathic feeling of powerlessness. It's strange to have such an extreme reaction, when it is something I have never experienced first-hand. Maybe you've touched on the thing I fear most. I know I could never survive in the Asian or Middle Eastern cultures.
Thanks again for teaching us about this cultural practice. It helps us appreciate the freedoms we have. Well done!
XOXO
Cheeky
cheeky, maybe, I've told you this before, but readers like you are a writer's dream! you have the gift of feeling and understanding emotions that others feel, even if they are not your own personal experiences.....and that is where all real writers start! anyway, yes, I know...it's a tough life for women in certain cultures, but ironically they don't mind because they've never known another life...and this just amazes me! thank you for seeing so much! x
Hi myownworld, I know what it feels to be put in a situation like this, 18 years ago I married a man because my parents wanted me too, and the marriage was a disaster! I wish parents in these societies realized what they are putting their children into. I will make it sure that my children will not experience this thing!
You have a way of really putting words into ones heart, Thanks for writing this hub, Maita
only someone who's been in a situation can truly understand the extent of the misery this causes....! god, u've been through so much pretty....and still have the ability to smile and fill the world around you with love! you're amazing really! thank you for being here...xx
This is another negative side of arranged marriages which ironically still takes place until today. There are some cases of arranged marriages in my country which work well too because both sides (the bride and groom) eventually match one another.
I agree agusfanani, but this is my very point: why should anyone force them into falling in love? it's this freedom that arranged marriages take away...and even though there are some happy ones, there are lots of instances of miserable ones too...and it's those that concern me the most. anyway, cheers for reading and commenting!
Myownworld, This is an excellent informative hub! You have done a wonderful job compassionately describing the "Arraigned Marriage." You must write a book! Please let me know when it is completed. Beautiful illustrations as well.
If one as you say so "equisitely put together" could be allowed to love and marry someone of their choice; one could only imagine what a glow and inner happiness it would add to their countenance! One should be able to choose to marry who they want to become one with.... Again sad situation but Beautifully written, Thank you for sharing this excellent hub, Love & Blessings!
Deborah...you always have the most beautiful things to say...! what a wonderful comment....thank you for your kind words and making me smile from my heart. One day soon...once the children are older, I'll write a book....you I'm sure will make it there much sooner! all my love x
And that is just the way it is! Sad but oh so true. We cannot change it in any way shape or form. All marriages were like this around the globe eons ago, before romance was ever thought of and written about. It is most distressing and you did a most excellent job of bringing it to our attention, as usual. I will wait patiently for this book of your's. Hugs O beautiful woman. CC
btw, I find it odd that none of these men have come here to defend it. I know they are here too.
smiling at you Ral...yes, I know there are countless south asians here, but instead of commenting on this insane tradition, my character/person will be the target of their criticism (strong opinionated women are an embarrassment, u see!).
These are some very sensitive issues in asian culture and the reason why they are persisting is because no one openly talks about them, let alone reject them...! If I ever write a book, I know I'll be an outcast in that society too. Not that i care, but well..just sharing with you how it all works. anyway, thank you so much for the great comment! take care...always..xx
Despite its dismal look, I've known some successful marriages that really worked! This is not general, but after all, arranged marriages are somehow unfair.
Shamel, i agree, but the unhappy ones definitely outnumber the successful ones, depending of course, on what one's idea of the latter is. Asians are very proud of the fact that they have fewer divorces compared to the west, but that is no proof of marital happiness. Also, I spent years in that culture and trust me there is not one detail exaggerated here, especially in the case of women. But thanks for raising this point and for stopping by! cheers
My girlfriend tells me there are an awful lot of arranged marriages in Asia, but it is part of the culture for so long. How do you change a culture that is established for hundreds of years if not longer. My girlfriend was told by her parents that she might have to marry some guy, and she had never met him. It never transpired in the end. And she has a good excuse! She is gay.
I would never say that arranged marriage is totally bad. Some arranged marriages do work out, but we hear more about the ones that don't work than the ones that do!
Thanks for this very interesting Hub! You raise very valid points. We see this, and can view the huge gulf between western culture and some Asian cultures. It will never put me off Asians or Asia. It has many wonderful and magical sides to it...
Loved your comment Cheeky girl. Actually, while I lived in asia, the ONLY marriages I did hear about growing up were the happy ones...so believe me, society starts drilling it's 'virtues' into you at a very early age! And hence the tradition is being upheld by so many men AND women.
yes, asian culture is beautiful in many ways.....but there are lots of issues that are 'taboo' and it's these I want to highlight, more so for the women who suffer through them. cheers for reading...! looking forward to reading your work soon!
myownworld - I leave your hubs until I have a few quiet moments, and I generally like to take some time in between so my senses don't become overwhelmed. I find them fascinating, heart wrenching and a must read. I am guaranteed a completely honest viewpoint and most often a very poignant story. You consistently provide exactly that and have done so again.
Our society in the western world has a very hard time understanding many eastern cultures. Your story of this young lady makes me wonder how a father or mother can do this to their own daughter? Can neither of them remember how it was for them? Hard to fathom it ever happening, let alone that it still does.
Great job again!
Hi MOW< miss you, how are you?
I have grown up on the West Coast of the United States... And yes, my parent's tried to arrange a married for me, they just weren't as forceful.
Its very twisted, I don't understand how they think they are doing us any "good".
Amazing writing, MOW. Marriages were often arranged in the Old South, also. Cousins often married in order to keep the land in the family. It's a horrible practice anywhere.
Duchess, thank you for your wonderful comments...as always! I don't know why but they touch me at a level i can never convey through these words! All these topics I write about are 'taboo' in many cultures, and that is why I want to explore them as realistically as possible, and not from an outsider's point of view, but from someone who has lived them for years before moving to the west. (I am most lucky to have known both cultures in my lifetime); thank you my dear friend! x
hello pretty! I'm planning to travel to south asia for a month soon in order to get more material for my hubs...want to do a piece on indian bazaars and 'suicide bombers' and their psychology. so unfortunately, will not be here much! hugs and many xx
Cheers Sierra for understanding and feeling with this....! Will be checking your hubs too very soon!
Ah Habee....my friend who brings us a world of beauty! thank you for that great comment!
This is what I love about Hub Pages! SO many interesting things we discover. I will never ever tire of reading interesting hubs by people who have important points and we have to listen hard. Thanks for the fan mail, myownworld! I wish you lots of success here! : )
cheers Cheeky! yes, HP is great that way...one is amazed to find such wonderful writers and such a huge variety of subjects they write on! you too are one of them btw.! take care, always -
Excellent Hub! I am so glad to live in Europe, altough this practise also existed in some rural parts of my country several decades ago.
I was often asking myself how arranged marriages could work - you explained it all.
Thank you.
thank you Tatjana for reading and becoming a fan! I've tried to paint as realistic a picture as possible....and it's an ugly one, I'm afraid to say. Looking forward to reading your work too soon! cheers
You really are a gifted writer, flawless! I was once invited to an arranged marriage. My friends and his chosen mate were from India by he was living in America. I wish I could have attended but it wasn't to be. He settled in the states with his bride, a lovely girl with an engineering degree that spoke perfect English and they had 2 children. Neither seemed to protest the arrangement. I've lost track of them but I'm sure they are still together. As horrible as the thought of an arranged marriage is to us westerners, it seems that there must be some that work. As with anything in life, much has to do with beliefs and attitudes.
Smiling at you Poppa! yes, I know what you mean...and this system is working still because 'parents/family' is given way more importance than the 'individual' in our culture...hence, most young people are already conditioned to accepting arranged marriage as the only way to please their elders. But the fact that it works, doesn't mean it's right. Still there is no denying that there are many so called 'happy' marriages resulting from it too, but the unhappy ones are far more! thanks my dear friend for reading...! x
Nice work- with pen. The picture you ahve painted is perfect. Indian @heart and passport, I have not come across any critic work as clear and neat as yours. Good Job. The chore issue is addressed,but, what you are failed to address is-1) the alternative,2) the way the society should/or will look at teh alternatives,3) are average Indians educated enough to learn and understand it all? 4) why is this 'arranged marraige' a trend followed so closely in the urban n rural India?5)Are you not trying to say that parents of yesteryears have thrown away their daughters in a ditch and given money( dowry)for the same( to her in laws or her husband?)...
I for one feel, marraiges are made in heaven.. if they were to be made by us,human, then they aught to displace the natural balance by The Creator. We may be lucky or it may be by choice that one may have had a love marraige..and NOT COMPROMISED EVER AFTER.( merely in Indian perspective) Sohail
Ain't marriage hard enough w/o having to go through the additional "hardships" of an "arranged marriage"? Appreciate reading this from your perspective...your writing takes a reader right into the feelings accompanied to someone of an arranged marriage. I never really thought about it that much...though it is evident that some countries are still steeped in the tradition of "arranged marriages"...Sorry for those that must endure this...This was a Great Hub on the subject, My Own World.
Parents should give advice to their children about partners but not choose for them. Marriages are going to sometimes fail regardless.
Thanksfor your comment on my musician quotes :) Kurt is awesome! x
Thanks Manly for your great comment! It's my pleasure entirely to be read by a writer like you...! cheers x
Richieb thank you for stopping by! Am a die hard Cobain fan, so loved that hub of yours!
I really admire your writing. Especially how you capture the emotion of the young girl...I could feel her anxiety. Thank you for writig such a riveting story!
Thank you Tammy for the appreciating....yes, it isn't so hard imagining what that girl must go through.. anyway, thanks for reading and commenting!
Great job, photo are beautiful,
thanks triplet for stopping by!
Still loves the new pic ; ) x
OMG, I only put two and two together now!!! xx
This is one well-written hub. The travesty of this practice appalls westerners, but it is a very age-old tradition. The countless billions of lives made miserable over the millenia by arranged marriages and it all boils down to cold hard cash (dowry). I cannot even imagine...
A good hub, nice topic chosen and really impressive ..hmm but i think so most of persons are doing love marriage but most of them are in hell..so but arrange marriage are normally better to love. All the things are dependent on luck the result is that. so we don't forget this.
Thank you Michael Ray for your great comment! you've summed it up perfectly! cheers for stopping by
Thanks for reading and commenting Khmohsin!
Thank you for sharing this.I had a young girl come work for me. She was absolutely beautiful. One day she came to work very upset. Her life had been chosen. Her mother was home from India,her marriage had been arranged. She was horrified. But obeyed.She left about six months later. A year or so passed by.I received a call. She was looking to come back and work.I met with her. She had aged. Her husband and mother-inlaw had beat her severely. Her father took her back home,so it must of been bad. She was pregnant as well. They forced her to have an abortion,I could still see the pregnancy weight on her tiny body. Her parents had been hiding her. This man wanted to kill her.She came back and worked. I always encouraged her. Even offered her to live in my home. She could not get over the shame she brought her family. They were ashamed of her failure. It breeaks ones heart. They married her off again. I have not seen her ever again. I have heard once that she was happy. I hope so.
Brilliant hub myownworld..I can relate to that being an Indian myself and sometimes arrange marriages work out really well specially in our part of world. Great write up. Keep up the good work
nice video
Lol guess yer slipping up moi friend, enjoy yer weekend xx
This is so different from life in American. But you wrote it so well, I felt your emotions in it. Many blessings, Ladybird
Christine thank you for sharing that story too. There are countless more that inspired this hub.....
jay, your comment means so much, since you know exactly what I mean. cheers for stopping by!
Hey, Art...am traveling south asia at the moment to collect material for hubs...and support some social work projects....so am unable to be online much...will soon catch up old friend! much love x
Ladybird thank you for the lovely comment! bless u too x
Hey friend, Happy holidays to you and your family, I just came by to say Hi, and how are you? Maita
Wow,excellent hub as usual! Myownworld, your writing is so wonderful, every time I read one of your hubs, I feel as though I literally become a part of your world.
I've seen a documentary that portrayed that this tradition was wonderful and that many people were continuing the tradition. Thanks for sharing the truth, your pictures are awesome, and the posters depict the other side of the story perfectly. Happy holidays!
Some people don't have the option to choose the one their love but learn to love the one they marry while they are young.
Excellent HUB
big hug for you pretty Maita!
Money....you always leave the best comments ever! This is a very controversial issue in many asian countries and a lot of people refuse to openly speak against it, hence the reason why arranged marriages are still so common here. Thanks for reading and understanding as you always do...
thank you cleon for stopping by!
Happy New year my good friend xox
And you too my dear friend! hugs and love xx
WOW. I just came across this HUB and I never actually gave arranged marriages any thought at all. I sat reading your hub and just plain got a stomach ache reading what these poor women have to endure. It seems to be abuse. Very traumatic. This bothers me. It just never crossed my mind to even ponder what this would be like.
Very good HUB-on a very sad subject...I am going to keep thinking about this...it really struck me hard.
thank you Ghost whisper for reading and that great comment. I know...it's just sickening....and yet, it's considered the 'norm' in certain parts of the world....
It's true it is considered the born in some peoples lives! How was your holidays myownworld?
yes, Millionheir I went traveling around south asia to gather more material for hubs....loved every minute of it. Will soon publish! hope you do well....cheers for dropping by!
Great writing and well put.
Another bad one seems to be the mail order bride system where women are selling themselves short for money and then not happy.
thank you festersporling for reading! yes, that's another whole story too...I must explore it and do a hub on it. Great idea!
Freedom isn't just another word. We need more here, there, everywhere. Thank you. You're really great.
yes..! :) cheers for stopping by Micky Dee!
Something in common i was in southwest of France, Bordeaux for 5 years and came to London 2 years ago.Please, I may begin by saying felicitation!!et Bravo!! a very talented hubber you are and I felt the emotions as i read each and every phrase and i could not stop imagining the pain of being subjected to such a life. And by the way, you should think about writing your own book because you have what it takes.Cheers
dodonet, thanks a million for that great comment! wow! so you too lived in france? I was in fontainebleau for 5 years with my husband and we moved to london now two years ago, and I love it here. I must soon read your work too! cheers!
Yeah, I lived in Saudi Arabia for about a year, and I saw firsthand what you are talking about. It would suck and, honestly, I don't know I would handle it if I were faced with that dilemma.
Lovely hub, friend! Well done...
yes, Drej, it does sound horrific doesn't it, yet it's so common in many parts of the world. Cheers for stopping by my friend! x
It was great to hear from this perspective.I would die to get married to someone I hardly knew. For me I would have to know that person for a very long time first, to make sure I was doing the right thing.
I know Isabelle...that's the way it should be for every individual. Unfortunately, certain cultural practices are still popular today and much misery is caused because of them! thank you for the comment and for becoming a fan! :)
Myownworld, I am saving a reminder that I need to follow your hubs more often. Reading this hub reinstated the fact why I once fell in love with your writing. Like I previously said that you have the power of using words the way no one ever will, god bless for that.
Life is not a bed of roses and the struggle will just begin once you are married is one lesson I wish my parents had told me. As kids we are so guarded in every move that when we are put in the world we wish we never saw how cruel it can be. Reading your hub brought back life in a flash. The power of words is unimaginable.
All in all, I was lucky to have been married which was arranged by my parents and blissfully in love with the guy I married. Whenever anyone asks I proudly say our marriage is arranged cum love. For me I couldnt be any glad to be wed to a man who reciprocates the same way. Thumbs up for this hub.
What a wonderful comment charanjeet! It seems as if someone just saw right into my mind and felt exactly what I was trying to convey here! Perhaps, our closeness to Asian culture only adds to our sensitivity to such issues. You understand....and I know you do...and that means alot to me! Thank you....and a warm hug for you! x
As an amateur historian, I was really interested in this hub, because up until the early twentieth century, even in the United States, but more especially in Europe, marriages were still arranged by the families for the most part. In fact there's a whole subclass of literature about women abandoning love for an alliance that is good for the family!
yes, classicalgeek, it's like the jane austen world of asia! we're just stuck in the 19thC, when the rest of the world has moved on! Thanks for reading and the nice comment!
For a southern boy it's hard to wrap my mind around the idea of an arranged marriage. Great hub.
It is a sad thing when young girls are treated like this, as "cattle" as you say. And as a few commenters herre have written it has been so in the west also, in time gone by. In fact I know of a couple from Europe who were in an arranged marriage from after World War 2. They did not know each other until a few days before they got married, and yet lived in happiness and fulfilment for almost 50 years of marriage. So sometimes it can work, but I'm sure there is much pain for many.
I loved the way you wrote this Hub. Thanks
Love and peace
Tony
Yes, Tobey, i don't imagine you marrying for anything but love..! ;) cheers my friend for stopping by!
I agree Tonymac...and the reason why arranged marriages are still prevalent in asia is because most people are convinced there is much happiness in them. Even more amusing is how they scoff at the 'western' concept of marriage and stress the high divorce rates there to prove their point! Anyway, thank you for your great comment and appreciation! love always x
Great hub and well written. This opens allot of eyes as to this culture not realized here in the west. Thank you K.
thank you K Partin for stopping by! Am waiting for a pause to read your hubs! soon! take care...
Amazing! So beautifully written and great use of words, I felt as if I was one of the brides, you describe it so well. So much emotion and feeling, I feel so sorry and sad for the brides :-( Another great hub!
Also great choice of picture
thank you Sophs for your great comment! yes, the pics are lovely aren't they? I myself dressed up the same once...so I know what these girls go through, though I still married for love. cheers for stopping by!
The Chinese tradition also have arranged marriages. I am so glad my parents never forced me to marry...they persuaded, encouraged, reminded me over and over again (? lol) until it wearied me to death...sort of. :) Great hub.
Thank you Ripplemaker for dropping by! Yes, arranged marriages were a norm in more places than we can imagine...and thank god, the younger generation is breaking free! Take care..and good to see you here! :)
Great hub and a little scary this goes on still. I've a lot of Indian friends in London but thankfully this generation, well in London anyway is staying clear and living in a modern world, but as a westerner I can't really comment on the actions of the older generation. Well written hub, thank you.
Cheers for reading Sherbet! Times are changing fast I know, and with it many of these hard traditions are being rejected, so there is hope yes. Take care and thanks for commenting!
It all depends on our mindset, how we view at things, out attitude towards life. Each system has its own merits and it depends on the attitude of the person. As individual conscinece differs, people have diverse preferences.
I agree mdlawyer, and this is just that other side of the picture few talk about... cheers for reading!
I have always thought of this issue and figured out that there is nothing like love.Love has to be the key player and factor in any marriage.
You had it smooth in this hub so keep it up and i hope to read more like this.
Great comment as always Ross, and it seems you and I think alike on many issues...! Thank you... :)
MOW, had to come back and read this one again. One thing I'd like to ask. Do any women acutally rebel outright? As modernism creeps into to most cultures these days I'd think some women would say "Sorry, ain't happening"
Tobey, I did! I married for love...but it was a hard hard battle and I came from a privileged background. Most girls aren't that lucky, and the average girl has no choice but to comply! Still, younger generation is much more open in their resistance, so time's are changing, but then again, ony in a certain class of the society. (Asian culture and societies function in such complicated ways!) Anyway, good to see you old pal ...! x
what wonderful words..beautiful images...that was touching darling :)
Thank you Craftsmith for the warm appreciation! :)
MOW, I grew up in Asia, Thailand, where arranged marriages are still the norm. In 1966 when I was 12 an old Thai man tried to arrange a marriage between me and one of his daughters. I was all for it!!! My Mom stroked out though.
lol...tobey, I'm sure you broke the hearts of quite a few thai girls there! But seriously, thailand? wow!....I've been for a visit....such a fascinating place really...
Yes indeed (about Thailand that is, not me) I lived there from 5 years old to 16. Quite a place to grow up. As far as breaking hearts goes, I was a real geek as a kid. the only girlfried I ever had I married. I was always the smart kid with no common sense that never quite understood what was going on around me.
we sound like very similar people tobey...:)
wow wow wow, such powerful words and emotion. I have only heard the "love comes" version of arranged marriages, but you have described EXACTLY how I imagine I would have felt had I been married off to a convenience marriage rather than one based on love and friendship. Awesome work.
Thank you so much Anita for your kind words....am smiling happily at them... :) I hope every person has a chance at love and friendship in their marriage..it's the least one deserves...
There should not be any dispute over arranged marriage or love marriage, the question is how to strengthen the tie in this troubled time...
Wow, it really is such a foreign concept for us westerners. I lived in Japan for a while and in the conservative "back country" it still happens there. It's odd to me, definitely.
I saw some show recently where some kids (I mean like 8 or 9) were getting married in Nepal. It was really eye opening to see the process the parents go through to make this happen. It's just like a day of dress up for the kids. I guess they get "legally" married later, but I thought it odd they did this pre-ceremony so young. Anyway, fascinating and very well done hub, MOW. Cheers!
I grew up in the West, and picked my wife without any help from family. It was a terriable mistake. My second marriage was arranged marriage. It was the best thing happend to both of us. I do not mind arrange marriages.
I know Wordscribe...these practices are still common today...and they may work for some, but for many they don't. Sometimes, I think even the concept of happiness is so cultural. Anyway, thanks for becoming a fan and the great comment! :)
mc5247, I'm so glad that you commented here...I was hoping someone would come forward and talk about their positive experience with arranged marriage. I have deliberately given voice to women who don't feel the same way....and I just hope they are given the freedom to choose between an arranged one and a love one. It's that 'choice' that I think everyone deserves. Thank you for reading! cheers..:)
Wow. I agree with everyone, your an amazing writer, and you know I adore you. I really liked that you mentioned that the man really had no desire to marry the girl, either. While I am certain it was no where near as difficult for him, hes not happy either. Its hard to understand how this goes on and on, I mean, the girl's parents endured the same fate, how can they not want better for thier child?
xo
Yes, Justine, it's an alien concept for most people in the west now, but it's a stark reality in many cultures still. Unfair to both men and women to be honest. And it's unbelievable how the whole society 'brainwashes' people into believing that it's the best way to marry...and perpetuates this misery in pursuit of a blind and unreasonable tradition!
Anyway, I so WISH we lived in the same state, and could meet up for coffee or take the kids to the park, while we chatted nearby! I feel as if I've known you forever..... ! xx
OMG! Your writing moves me like no other. You my friend have such a way with words, you leave nothing for the imagination.
And your words... are words of truth, spoken with such powerful conviction and insight. I'm at a loss for words. Beyond speechless! My stomach is still flip flopping.
Thanks so much for being that powerful voice, that the world so desperately needs to hear. Don't ever let anyone silence you.
Hugs,
Sage
me too. :)
Sage...your writing has the same effect on me, so the appreciation is mutual my friend...! Thank you for the wonderful comment...and take good care...am planning to read more of you soon...:)
Justine, here's a warm hug for you...!
Very well written. I have read through a few hubs but found myself not reading every word and sometimes skimming towards the end. Not this time though, the experiences sound as if they were yours (I did skim the comments and think I saw someone else say this but felt it needed repeating for emphasis!). Excellent.
Thank you Bundu for your nice comment! Do you know if you click on the main HP page, you are one of the featured favorites today? Check it out! :)
Wow, look at all your great comments! Very interesting Hub on arranged marriages. I have never been married, but reading Hubs like this makes me realise how privileged I am as a woman to be able to live an independent, happy life where my family cannot force me to do anything.
Thank you CMHypno for reading and commenting. Yes, it's wonderful to see women in the west so free from traditions which are the norm in certain places. Every person deserves the right to 'choose' - pity some never know it.
Hi MyOwnWorld. Thanks for your interesting hub. Here in Britain, it seems to be more a case of arranged rather than forced - partners are introduced but then the choice is left to them.
Thank you Property for reading and commenting. :)
very nice..!! =) I enjoyed reading your article very much..!! I think all of us should feel lucky and most of all grateful for living the lives we live now.. articles like this make me feel very fortunate... once again congratz..!!
Thank you gsus for reading and commenting! Much appreciated..
My grandparents had their marriage arranged. They lived happily together and had 9 children. When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather could not bare with the pain of loosing her so he became sick and died shortly after. It worked for them but they were the last of their generation to have arranged marriages. They did not impose arranged marriages for any of their children. Tradition finished there for good.
Yes, those were different times...what worked then, cannot be forced on people now... so I wish people would let traditions be and not force them onto the next generation. But I know what you're saying: love is possible through these marriages too. Anyway, nice seeing you here, and cheers for becoming a fan!
Another great hub.
cheers susan for reading! :)
in the beginning it seems awful and as you say i guess they learn to live with it never having known the higher and hotter points of a relationship. great hub! keep it up
Cheers Joe for reading...lol.. yes, ignorance is a bliss, isn't it? take care.. :)
MYOWNWORLD really its a great piece of work:)i too agree wid ur hub cmpletely..wish u gudluck.
Thank you honey for the nice comment and becoming a fan...! :)
I am absolutely speechless. This article was spectacular. I have known of arranged marriage but never took the time to peer into the issue. You have given these women a face and a voice splendid hub ~Hugs~ I'll be reading more for sure
Thank you blackreign... coming from a talented writer like yourself, means alot...thanks for the appreciation! :)
You are a great writer and this is indeed really sad. Even in the states, I have seen Middle Eastern and Indian friends who have had marriages arranged for them. Sometimes, they like the person and it seems ok. Sometimes, they don't even want to talk about it. In one case, my friend had told me she was trying to run away. Indeed a crazy system.
Thank you festers for your great comment.. much apprecaited! I know what you mean, I personally find it the most ridiculous concept ever and just can't believe how it's still prevalent (and infact passionately advocated) in some parts of the world still!
It is easy to see why so many have commented on your writing here--you write about powerful subjects and do so in such a heartfelt way. When I read your hubs, I have to sit for a minute and digest the words before I can even begin to write a comment. Your words are extremely powerful.
Thanks for showing us the reality of these "marriages."
Mike
Hi,
Thanks for this wonderful hub.
I am from India.
All the facts that you mention are true, but are not universally applicable for each and every arranged marriage.
The institution of arranged marriage in India withstood the test of time.Largely due to sacrifices of Indian Women. Our mothers and grandmothers.
And it is not that all marriages happen without the girl's consent. Most of the times girl's are able to choose her husband from all prospective bridegrooms.
However you have illustrated a valid point and this is what I have to say about the same. -
*****
The following figures will help you to get an idea about the divorce rate in India with respect to global divorce rate.
* Sweden – 54.9%
* United States – 54.8%
* Russia – 43.3%
* United Kingdom – 42.6
* Germany – 39.4%
* Israel – 14.8%
* Singapore – 17.2%
* Japan – 1.9%
* Srilanka – 1.5%
* India – 1.1%
Even though India still boasts of that nearly hundred percent of the marriages are a success, rapid urbanization and awareness of various rights are now instigating the divorce rate to shoot up. Empowerment of women has initiated the dissolution of marriage in urban areas as financially educated women are now open to the option of ending the relationship rather than to bear life long abuses silently. The campaigns on gender equality are now giving rise to ego clashes between the husband and wife, especially if the wife too is the bread earner of the family.
A survey states that over the past four years the divorce rate in Delhi, the capital city of India has almost doubled and is projected to be 12000 by the year 2008. In 2006, Bangalore, the IT hub of India it was recorded that 1,246 cases of divorce were filed in the court that pertain to the IT sector exclusively. It has been estimated Mumbai has shot up to 4,138 in 2007 while cities that are acknowledged for their cultural richness and social values like Kolkata and Chennai, are no less behind. Agro based states like Punjab and Haryana are now seeing an increase of 150% of divorce rate since the last decade. Kerala, known to be the most literate state has experienced an increase of divorce rate by 350% in the last 10 years.
Around 20 years back India had a negligible divorce rate of around 5%. But based on the increasing number of divorce being filed today, the divorce rate in India is expected to rise up at a faster rate by the ensuing year.
*****
So, let it be decided which does more good to society as a whole - the dictate of arranged marriage which saves a marriage
or
education and empowerment of women who would rather end their relationship in a divorce...and live an even more unhappy life on their own but never admit the same.
But all in all these are facts and opinion about facts.
The facts of arranged marriage, and the facts of divorce.
Which is better? Married life ( arranged or otherwise).
or
unmarried life?
Divorce does nobody any good. It wastes time and effort of two very valuable people of society. The divorced husband and the divorced wife...let alone the trauma of the children.
I guess divorce testifies for failure in a very important relationship...which is worse than arranged marriage.
Mike, your words warm my heart... thank you so much.. :)
Debarshi, thanks for the great input! You give the exact same arugement in defence of arranged marriages that I've heard from it's proponents for years: i.e. the low divorce rates. And it's simply because of the harsh treatment divorced women have to face in these societies, so, for an unhappy married women, it's actually like a choice between the lesser of the two hells yes. But does that justify the tradition? Not at all.
I personally would rather choose divorce than an unhappy marriage any day. Even if it means living alone...which is not such a bad thing as made out to be. (Ask women here in the west, and you'll be surprised!)
I could have gone on, but this could lead to a long discussion, so thanks for giving me an idea for my next hub: i.e. the hardships a divoced woman faces in certain cultures! :)
No one should be forced to marry anyone. And you certainly shouldn't do it without the consent of the male or female. We could go on and on about tradition but the question remains is it right? Would The Creator condone such actions when he does not make or force you to love HIM? Alot of these women are suffering in silence so their voices aren't heard. So can we accurately say most are happy? I am not an expert on the subject but it doesn't seems right to arrange a marriage. Who can love on demand?
You've actually summed it up perfectly blackreign....I couldn't agree more. 'love on demand'..yes!
You help to explain this very well. I know from others that some 'arranged' marriages are really just hopeful introductions ~ which is fine ~ while others are more like forced matches ~ which is not, in my opinion.
Trish, thank you for reading and the insightful comment. Even those 'hopeful introductions' come with a lot of family pressure to comply, so I wonder if there is much difference between the emotional expectations and the very obvious forced matches..
I have discussed this with a Hindu gentleman, who was introduced to his wife, and who is very happily married.
Their families thought that they would be a good match ~ and hoped that they would be. They weren't sure at first, but they fell in love and are very happy.
This is very different, I think, from forced marriage, or even arranged marriage 'with expectations'.
Maybe it's different for different cultures / religious groups, as well.
I know what you mean Trish...hence I tried to give as realistic a picture as possible. You see, I grew up in south asia...and have closely lived this culture and traditions for years, and trust me as the younger generation is growing more aware, this whole system of arranged marriage is coming apart now - just like 19th century world in the west did once.
I myself was one of those 'lucky' ones like your friends, and yet for every one marriage that works out, there are many that don't. Let's hope every man and woman has the freedom to choose whatever they feel works best for them, but having that choice, yes. Nice to have your amazing insights btw... :)
Brilliant hub! There is so much to mull over. I have a friend from Indian from a super rich family. Her marriage was not forced but yes family was totally involved. They even did horoscope charts to find compatibility. This I like a lot. Them my friend had the option of being courted by 11 different men and she made the choice.
Then you have the US where these marriages of 'love' fail at least 50% of the time, and in many others women lead quiet lives of desperation. I am one of many women who thought I knew how to make a marriage choice - I was wrong and my parents were right about my poor choice.
I like my rich Indian friend's way. At least she had 11 men deemed compatible to pick from. Most American women are taught to let men pursue them and the man picks them. My mother said a woman must always pick the man - never let a man pick her.
I like the practical side of marriage. In the US what we call romance was created by Hollywood and it does not work.
Thanks so much for such a well written hub letting us all share our thoughts.
I'm a big fan now!
BK...how do I tell you how much I valued your input...and your sharing the western point of view towards marriages in general? I find it fascinating that even the so called freedom in one's choices isn't without it's price! Still, having lived in the west for years now, I realize that I'd have this freedom to choose any day than never having to know it!
Also, one must not forget that these traditions are much harder on girls who aren't from very affluent backgrounds, worse not very good looking either. Then it's no longer the girl who gets to choose from a dozen guys, no; it's her being forced to marry the first one who comes along, or all her hopes of ever being wed are gone, and she's made to feel like a 'burden' on her parents for the rest of her life!
Ah...it's complicated I know.... and one could go on discussing the pros and cons. Anyway, thank you so much for reading and adding your insights. Much appreciated :)
It is amazimg how love is denied in Indian practical life. Indian history, phylosophy, art, drama, cinema, poetry, and other literature are so full of the most marvelous and deep love stories. Even at the core of the indian religion there are such deep love stories, like Radha and Krishna's love, which makes Radha the most powerful diety because she has Krishna's love. Hindi has so many words for love and lover. I just know a few, but even those are inspiring enough to arouse emotions just by their sound. Mohabat, piar, prem, priya, ish, ishq are just a few that come to mind.
The success of stories, such as Devdas, demonstrate the increadible longing for pasionate love in the Indian culture. Yet, when I meet many young Desies, I find it so sad that in their rejection for the terrible aspects of their culture, they also reject the beauty of the Indian culture.
India has many social problems that need to be corrected. But there is so much beauty and emotional power in other areas. It is difficult to reconcile the two sides.
Firstly, gramon, I'm most impressed by your knowledge of Indian culture/history! Secondly, I know exactly what you mean: the modern generation (and I am myself hovering somewhere in the middle) so want to break free from these hard traditions, that they're at negating the coloful and rich side of their culture too. Sad, I know. But right now, it's the taste of freedom that south asians are newly experiencing.... happened in the west too (19th C).... they will come back to 'reconciling' the two extremes eventually... :)
Thank you for the great comment! Hope you're doing well...take care... x
Great Hub. You really can paint a picture with words. Arrange marriages are slowly decreasing in numbers in south Asia, but its happening very slowly. I would like to share something with you. I have a friend from school who is about to get married. She is 22 years old. Just a few months back, she was totally against the concept of parents arranging their marriage for them. She said she didn't want to get married at least till she is 25. But now, only a few months after she said that, she is arranged to get married. Parents have a very convincing way of making girls follow their will. And it doesn't look like she is unhappy. She is (at least she looks) quite happy with here new fiance.
To me it's just incomprehensible how girls will not only accept their parents decision, but they eventually force themselves to be happy with it. Is it the tradition that they are forcing themselves to follow. Is it the fact that they love their parents or are they afraid of the society?
Will this continue in the next generation? Is she going to force her child to marry someone? There is very little we can do to change the society.
You say India is experiencing a taste of freedom right now. I think we are far from it. Sure there are developed cities where things are changing. But that is only a small part of India. The majority of Indians are still following these traditions religiously and IMHO, they will continue to do so for a very long time.
Just look at what businesses in India are thriving. there is not a single dating site which is popular, on the other hand shaadi.com and bharatmatrimony.com are making millions. Not a single TV serial talks about the freedom of youth and how the society is still in its primitive stages. But, soap operas which are based on arranged marriages and events after an arrange marriage are continuously gaining popularity. It's like mothers are training their daughters for the life after marriage.
The closest thing I've seen in the west is parents trying to set up their children by saying something like "Oh, you should meet my friends daughter from work, you'll like her!" and hope that it pans out the way they want it to. Sometimes I get the feeling that some parents also nudge ideas and notions into their children in regards to who to chose.
I guess in an abstract way back a few decades ago it was sometimes customary where the boyfriend had to meet the father of the girl before he can take her out. With that method, the father could always say no I guess hehe. But I doubt that would stop many guys even back then hehe.
Mevsmyself, I couldn't agree more with you! That is EXACTLY the truth of the matter and only someone who's known this complicated culture can understand the controversies surrounding it. (lol...you're spot on about the shaadi.com and those sickening soaps about 'saas bhi bahu' or whatever!) Thanks for your great input and looking forward to reading more from you... :)
Origin, I know what you mean, but in any case, any kind of 'manipulation' in such matters is reprehensible and every woman and man should have the absolute freedom to choose who they want to marry. Thank you for sharing the 'western' point of view on this issue...I really value it. cheers!
mevsmyself, you say that dating sites don't do well in India. But India has one of the largest internet swinger populations in the world. I guess many young professionals get married under pressure, but after they are unhappily married, they discover that their spouses and themselves want to enjoy the opposite sex after all. Now, with each other's approval, and keeping it quiet (chory, chory), they end up living more independently than their parents did. Well, it is just a supposition. But the statistics must mean something.
lol...gramon, see, now we're beginning to get a complete picture here: the pressure to marry the 'right' partner chosen for you, the gradual giving in, the forced success you make out of it, 20% genuinely falling in love, the rest living in silent compromise, and then the affairs that follow! All masked in a clever hypocritical way. You see, there is little difference between the things that happen in the west and some of these countries: we just do it all within closed doors! Cheers gramon for your great comments! :)
ya i belive the commend of myownworld.its true.
I have read your post several times. Very few authors have moved me as you move me with this writing. I remember when I was a teenager and read Damian by Herman Hess. It moved me so strongly. Through that book, I imagined what it would be to be an intellectual and live in a Nazi environment. That book help me understand more clearly my hate for war and my disaproval of the conservative thinking that brings misery to those who are different. I always remember Damian, no matter how many years have passed since I read it.
Your experiences, passion and writing skills could help many people understand the suffering of many women like the one that shivers, waiting for her new husband to rape her. All you have to do is write a novel about her. You can describe the poverty, the social injustices, and much more in a way that very few people can. Write your novel, please!
Satish thank you for stopping by and for following... :)
gramon... I read your words and just broke down....... I dream and long to write a novel one day, but at the moment too much energy is going into keeping a family together.... and my longing to help the poor and suffering in this world. Some day... some day... :)
(sorry, am just too emotional at the moment to say a better thank you...but I hope you know how much your words mean.... truly. x)
You write too well!! On the topic, I just cant imagine how can people marry without knowing much or even at all the other person!! Surely, I cannot!!
I know dream....and yet it happens still. Unimaginable to me too. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment... much appreciated!
Wow, this spoke to so many people! I have a friend with this experience too; he was tricked into a marriage with an Eastern girl nearly half his age! It's shocking how little regard the family had for their feelings (and how willing the girl was to go along with it so she could come to Canada!) I guess differences in culture are very pronounced in relationships (or lack thereof).
Thank you Earthy for the great input... yes, there are lots of cases of this not-so-obvious form of injustice.... and all in the name of love and tradition!
Looks like maybe a modified version of arranged marriages where the couple makes the final decision after meeting and spending some time together may be the next step in the evolution of the precess in India. Maybe it will turn into the best system if it jettisons the bad points and improves on the good points. Also, your prose if delightfully skillful.
lol... this version of arranged marriage is probably already in process but parents are still considered the law on most things. Hopefully, the change will come, for it IS certainly there, slow, but sure. Great comment again Wrath...and nice to meet you too...! Thank you for reading and stopping by...much appreciated... :)
hi well it took me so long to get down here. The nurses i work go off to India for 3 weeks holiday, and even if they tell us before they go they are not getting married, usually they come back married; I enjoyed this insight, it does help to understand a little better.
@ Joy... yes, I know...This tradition will persist for a long time to come.. some have the strength to break free; others give in, and still others actually like it! Anyway, thanks for reading... good to see you here :)
I cannot help myself Myownworld! I do love you! Your heart is solid gold! Thank you for your beautiful soul!
you're such a sweetheart Micky.... thank you.... you make me so happy. Never change... I wish I could go biking on one of those fantastic trails of yours... but atleast, your hubs take us those place... :)
It's very easy for those of us in the Western world to abhor arranged marriages, because individual freedom has always been a major part of European thought. I'd like to see someone play Devil's Advocate and defend arranged marriage. For instance, maybe the Western notion of 'love' isn't all it's cracked up to be. Isn't it a very selfish value? Often people will hurt others in their lives because suddenly they feel love for someone new, and, well, love is everything in the West, right? Have to follow our "hearts". Maybe that 'compromise' reached in an arranged marriage is superior to romantic love. Maybe doing whatever we want isn't the same as doing what's best. Just something to think about. I'm not seriously defending the institution. I have no plans to enter an arranged marriage. haha
Nicely-written hub, by the way. Rated up!
@ Arthur, oh, I could easily play the Devil's advocate for you: I've had those notions rammed down me and all the people I grew up with for years on end, so I can give them to you in a nutshell: "Arranged marriages strengthen family units, because you marry into the 'right family' (we love those words in asian culture); they ensure a safe future for your children, prevents them from making 'foolish impulsive' choices; Parents know what is 'best' for their children and should be trusted with that decision"... And lastly, the favorite one: "see where the west is heading with all their high divorce rates, family break ups, children suffering etc while we have such a low divorce rate and families still uphold values"... on and on....
But I loved your comment because you've looked at the picture from both angles, and that is what I so admire about the people living in the west! Cheers for stopping by! :)
"See where the west is heading with all their high divorce rates" -- haha, I like that one. I'm guessing an Asian family wouldn't appreciate the reply, "Better three rich husbands than one"? Probably not.
LOL @ Arthur: you're right there....and another thing that is a real 'taboo' is talking about sexual compatibility... I mean, I know some asian couples who go without sex for months on end, and it's just not talked about, let alone divorcing someone over it! But it's getting better now... the younger generation is much more vocal about their wants and things are slowly improving! Cheers for stopping by!
Have you ever heard the phrase "Marriage is not a word, it's a sentence." There you have it, no matter how you arrange it....
Perfect...lol.. you said it NU! Either way, you end up the same place! ;)
Well I have to scroll down so much to write a comment :-) lol..brilliant hub as usual but I jst feel u r being bit too pessimistic..n not all men r jerks..give us some benefit of doubt :-)...I hav seen some really successful arranged marriages and some not so successful..but today da women is independent and she has da choice. But finally it all depends on da individual..parents will hav their say more so if its a girl's parents..neways I loved reading it...
P.S. Marriage scares da hell out of me :-)lol
LOL @ jay...I loved your comment and laughed too! Hell, I know what you're saying and trust me I'm not such a feminist as I come across in my hubs. I think most men are great, certainly better than us women! it's just the 'tradition' I'm criticizing that forces people into such situations. And I do admit, times have changed and people have much more choices open to them now, still you must not forget that beyond the cities, such practices are very much prevalent.... and my hubs are more geared towards speaking for the 'common' man and woman always. Cheers friend for stopping by...and lots of love x
Being a part of the culture which follows the practice, all I can say is it's written wonderfully well...well if you ask my opinion, I have personally seen many arranged marriages last a life time then love ones...I guess it's up to the particular person involved to make or break a relationship...it’s a case to case perspective…but again, taking nothing away from the quality and caliber of your writing...keep rocking...
I know what you mean jamsheed... you will find countless people extolling the virtues of arranged marriages (some of them are true btw.) but you will rarely find anyone voicing these 'unmentionable' facts about them; As always, I wanted to imagine what it would feel like for a woman to be forced into it... hence this humble attempt at trying to capture her feelings. Definitely, not a complete picture I know.
But thank you for understanding and seeing it from my eyes.... you have a gift too of being able to do that, as I know not many people have the courage to question such issues in our culture. Now, don't burn yourself out reading.... and hey think about what I said about writing yourself.. I know you can! :)
I presume, arranged marriages in our culture are proclaimed to be the only option available for girls because everybody are bound by the social boundaries drawn by ourselves and also the ego carried by elders of families…if I think of it, arranged marriages which are performed without consent are like killing the girl emotionally and getting her ready for her afterlife (marriage)…it’s astounding to know how many honor killings are taking place in our country off-late…
I strongly believe arranged marriages should take place only with the complete and utmost assent of the two people involved…if not, it’s more like burden which has to be forcefully carried throughout one’s life…just to please others…
Thank you for encouraging me to write…I have always wanted to, but dint know how and where…now that I have a platform to express my thoughts and motivation from ‘The Writer’ herself…shall give it shot…shall keep you posted about it...Take care…
Yes, exactly jamsheed. I just feel love and compatibility should be the biggest motivations behind two people wanting to live together or get married - all else is secondary before them. Unfortunately, sometimes among all these traditions, that one factor seems to have been lost.... it's almost as if people take it for granted that once you're married, you WILL fall in love and be mentally, emotionally and sexually compatible. But then, in south asian culture, these needs are anyway not recognized, at least not by many, and that is what saddens me.
On a more positive note, yes, it would be great for you to join Hpages...and I am more than willing to help you with anything you want. For starters, you could write about honor killings (I myself plan to do a hub on that too) and I'm sure there are many such issues that more people need to highlight. I personally wish I had more time to write here.... but real life takes me away so often....
Congratulations on a super hub, written so well with feeling and words that make pictures come to mind. I know a girl from India who refused an arranged marriaage and married an Americah she met in college here. They are very happy. Keep up the good writing.
Thank you brake for reading and your kind words. Yes, it's a struggle for many, but slowly they're breaking down the chains.... :)
Terrific hub. I really love your writing style.
Thank you lemon for the appreciation and for becoming a fan :)
You've done an excellent job covering this topic. You're an amazing writer. Thanks for sharing this.
Thank you Lamme for your kind words, nice to meet you :)
I really want to know how much time you spend to complete this hub. I have read innumerable articles before, but I always feel that those articles are just written for making money online. But, this is the first time I am reading an excellent hub written by an "EXCELLENT" writer.
Well, I agree with what you have written. Mine is an arranged marriage, as according to my family members, love marriage is sin. I had'nt even imagined of love marriage in my life.
As life partners, I and my wife have nothing in common. But, we manage to make the life-boat sail smooth. We have entirely different thoughts and ideas about life and stuff, but still we are happy, because we are destinied to live life like that.
Also, what jay has told is absolutely right. Indian women has turned very independent these days. They are well educated and most of them get good jobs. But, not all of them have gained courage to get into a love marriage.No matter how educated they are, they still prefer arranged marriages just for thier parents sake.
Loved your comment Prakash, so thank you for it. I agree with you, and do understand what you share about your own marriage. Only too well, actually. :)
Also, it took me less than 15 mins to pen down the words, but they had been forming in my mind for days... complete sentences that I would wake up already structured within my head! Crazy, i know. And yes, I don't write for commercial purposes at all, hence you can see that I've just written 17 hubs in 10 months, but god knows, each and every one has my heart and soul poured into it! I just can't do those mechanical numbers anyway, and am more interested in offline writing, so this is just a creative outlet on the side... Anyway, thanks for asking...for reading and the appreciation :)
myownworld i luved every piece of it literally. Wonderful hub. Rated it up and will be following you.
You can check my personal opinion abot arranged marriages though in my article im referring to the semi arranged marriages, where the couple kinda date before the wedding -anyhow still not a fan-.
Thank you noorin for taking the time to read.. and all your great comments! It's been a pleasure meeting you :)
Same here =)
Another brill topic. I have been in a relationship for 5years and we are still learning about each other, I can't imagine marrying a stranger and not knowing a thing!
I do think people need to think of the husbands as much as the brides though - men may not been seen as an object quite so much but they are still pushed into something they don't want, and face their family disowning them if they refuse.
Anyway, great hub... the second one of yours I have read - I will be following you!
Keep up the good work!
MOW, the saddest part for me to read on this hub was the "How It Happens" section...
"[...] scrutiny of the girl's credentials[...] No one heeds the sobs breaking through her body; no one really cares: A minor hitch in the smooth bargain….!"
Left me speechless...
Well written article. I know something about this as a Western woman because my Pakistani boyfriend of two years will marry in the arranged way in less than two months. Though I've known about it a long time, he was always honest with me...it hasn't made it any easier. We both realized the futility of us trying to make things work due to different religions/cultures. We love each other but his culture is too strong and his parents were pressuring him to marry. Lately, I've been thinking of his young bride to be, wondering how I would feel marrying someone that I only saw once at a ceremony, only emailed and talked on the phone a few times a week for a year, and then voila! married and sleeping next to a virtual stranger. To be honest, while he chose this path, I feel sorry for them both. He desperately wants to keep my friendship (only that of course as infidelity is not a consideration) because he trusts me and I guess I am an escape from the pressures of his world. All I can say is that I feel that some arranged marriages may work, but if a person of that culture has spent years in a Western country and under that influence as he has, what is he really gaining?
Thank you for speaking up on behalf of those who don't have a voice! Voted up.
Hummingbird5356 Level 2 Commenter 2 years ago
As usual, an excellent hub. You write as if you have had the experience. You go under the glamour and glitz of the wedding ceremony to the real life.
Even in the West people sometimes try to find a suitable match for a friend and arrange "blind dates" but then the couple has the option to get to know each other better or leave it.
I think that the children should not be forced to marry but have the chance to get to know the person that the parents find. They should have as long as it takes. A marriage is meant to be for life so it needs to be gone into after a lot of consideration.
I read a comment from another person who says you have the ability to write a book. I agree. Your writing paints pictures in the imagination and that is what makes a good book.